Zantigo is Seeking New Management
Hoo boy, we’ve lost another manager at another Zantigo restaurant! How can we be expected to protect our revenue numbers and meet the metrics that maximize our shareholders profits if we don’t have some poor schlub to keep the teenage drug addicts selling our microwaved frozen “food” to the morbidly obese slugs too dumb to stop killing themselves with it? Oh sorry, we meant we need to find a skilled leader to help our quality team members serve our wonderful product to our valued guests. Time to dig into the resume pile!
Let’s look at some cover letters, right on top of the stack is Shauna Sublette. Here are some notes from the screening interview: “Lots of eye contact. Maybe too much eye contact? Never sits still. Very vocal.” Seems like a good start?
Re: Application for Zantigo Management Position
Dear Hiring Manager,
Why am I management material?
As a leader, I’m conscientious. I allow everyone else plenty of time to arrive before me. I make sure I’m the first to leave so the parking lot is less crowded for others. I allow everyone else to volunteer to do all the tasks so that they can build skills that I already have. I never provide any feedback even if asked. It’s important that others reflect on their own work.
Sincerely,
Shauna Sublette
Well she seems to sincerely want to pass the buck to her underlings and is great at making excuses; these are important skills to have in this dog-eat-dog (but don’t publicly admit it’s dog meat) world of corporate restaurants. We’ll put a smiley face on that one to come back for later.
Next in the pile, Eric Armbruster. “Strong, silent type, looks cool under pressure. Worked many key positions.”
Why am I management material?
Because I am committed to open, honest, and clear communication. I’m a listener, I’m approachable, and I’m an effective mediator. No problem is too big or too small to discuss. As soon as the conversation begins, barriers break, blockages begin to clear, and hurdles are leapt. And with few-to-no personal encumbrances outside of the workplace, there is virtually no time that is off-limits for me to answer your concerns. Jeff Bezos once said, “Stress comes from ignoring things you shouldn’t be ignoring, not hard work. You can be working incredibly hard and loving it.” With a free dialogue, we can stop ignoring those tricky matters and get back to the incredibly hard work that you and I love to do.
Alright, someone found the ‘Corporate Doublespeak’ setting on their chatbot! We do love a good ass-kisser who pretends to care at the home office; let’s move that one over to the PR department so they can help smooth out the next quasi-meat content catastrophe. What’s in the meat doesn’t matter if no one knows.
This next one looks promising. Matt Winkeler: “Jovial, friendly, wouldn’t stop banging on things.”
Why I’m management material
First, experience. I’ve been fired from 7 different restaurants this year alone! The last one was total bullshit, though. If they don’t want you smoking meth in the bathroom at Chili’s during your shift, they should be upfront about that stuff during the interview process.
Second, edjukashawn book learning. I attended Hardvard Business Skewl of Business and Drumming in Cambridge, Idaho (Go Fightin’ Aardvarks!). Passed the 6 week course in only 8 weeks! I learned all the important stuff about being a business man, like how to maximize stockholders value and vertical integration, but most importantly, I learned how to exploit the workers to ensure consistent stock growth for the little guys at the top. I failed all the drum courses. They said I should try bass, but I’m my own person! I refuse to listen to so-called “experts” and I certainly don’t listen to reason!
Third, my 5 year plan. I approach management like I approach the drums: put in just enough effort to not get fired. I won’t be upsetting any apple carts. You won’t catch me gunning for anybody’s position. I’m going to do the bare minimum for 4.5 years, then slip on an unmarked wet floor, “hurt my back”, and collect those sweet workman’s comp checks. If I’m really lucky, maybe after 5 years the next Zantigo album will be halfway finished.
What a stunning candidate with true lower-middle-lower management potential! That combined level of unwarranted self-assuredness and blind buffoonery doesn’t walk in off the streets every day. We need to get him into our Dunning-Kruger Corporate Training School right away before someone from Washington finds him and gives him a lifetime term in Congress. Also, make sure he knows to keep the meth in the staff break room.
This one is a little sticky and written in what appears to (hopefully) be crayon. Brian Fleschute: “Shouted something about meeting job search quota so he was gonna go play guitar.”
I think I’m management material because mom said so.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BRIAN A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BRIAN A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BRIAN A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BRIAN A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BRIAN A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES BRIAN A DULL BOY
Does this position come with a company car?
Times are tough in the job market, so grading on a curve, that’s a solid mid-range candidate. At least he didn’t try to sell crack to the teenage staff for bus money to get home. They hate it when someone cuts into their hustle on their turf and it takes forever to get bloodstains off the Kidz Meal toys.
We’re getting to the end, which means it must be time for Tazu Marshall…again. The notes on him are extensive: “437th inter-company position applied for. He’s truly everywhere. Claims to be both ‘king of the low end’ and a ‘producer’, whatever that means. Keep letting him apply for transfer so he’ll keep cleaning bathrooms and bloody toys.”
Why am I management material?
Because I truly care about the company. I care more than any of those other shitheads I work with. Way more. I’m already having to tell everyone how to do their job, but it makes sense since I already know how to do everything here. I’ve worked in every station this place has, and over the past 17 years I’ve never gotten one promotion. What the fuck is that all about? I’m obviously the best employee.
Let me guess; corporate is still mad about that one time they caught me on camera scratching my butthole by the salad station. Tell them I said they need to get over it, that was like seven months ago.
What about my dollar menu idea – the lettuce burrito? I submitted that almost three years ago, and I’ve never heard anything official back. They’re obviously jealous. Bunch of nerds with their dry-clean-only outfits and their briefcases full of “new” recipes. Have any of those stiffs ever even spent half a day back of house?
Basically, you should give me the job because you know I can do it. I’ll have these morons doing calisthenics every morning and cleaning the men’s room twice a day (not the ladies’ room).
Anyway, I feel pretty confident you’ll give me the promotion. But if you don’t, I don’t even care. I actually don’t need this fucking place. Wanna know why? Because my band is gonna be famous! Anyway, what are you doing Friday? Cause we got a gig, come on out you’ll see what I’m talking about. I mean, I don’t think we’re gonna be big like the Beatles. It’s kind of an acquired taste, but will be big enough to move some units. Kinda like the lettuce burrito idea. I know Alison over at HQ thinks it will taste “boring” and maybe there should be “some other ingredients in there” but I think she fails to recognize how many boring fucks there are out there who will just instantly salivate at the thought of it.
Anyways, are you ready to show me my new office?
This one is certainly full of energy and ideas. As the old saying goes, better to have them in the castle throwing meat out at customers than outside the castle throwing meat in, or something like that. His record show his rampages have had relatively few casualties and he always cleans up his own mess, so let’s give him a win. Make a note to add ‘Executive’ or ‘Senior’ to his job title and let him wear the Carvie the Clown outfit on mascot days. Same pay, of course, we’re not a charity.
Never mind, looks like we’ve got a new directive from corporate and we’re promoting the drive-thru AI to store manager. Apparently data analysis shows that the money saved from not needing silly things like “a living wage” or “time to see family” will cover the costs of the food poisoning lawsuits and occasional fatality. Can’t imagine it’s worse than hiring musicians; at least the AI won’t be late and will only screw up part of the time.
Zantigo! are releasing their long-awaited second album Management Material on El Gran E Records this Friday, November 14th, 2025 via Bandcamp. Come to The Heavy Anchor (5226 Gravois Ave) that evening for the band’s ‘Night of Uncontrolled Release’ party to pick up a physical copy of the album and decide which one of them, if any, is truly management material. Also performing and releasing various things are El Gran E label mates Subtropolis, along with Petty Grievances, and Unfleshing, Show starts at 8PM and is 21 and up, so the teenage reprobates will have to stay at work. Looks like you’ll have someone to cover your shift, we’ll see you there!
Michael McBurgerking from Zantigo’s Management Material
All photos by Erik Carlson – @sonicgallerystl
